These Are the Top Ten WORST Christmas Candies
By Clair Robins – firstname.lastname@example.org
Be careful when you ask someone what the worst Christmas candy is. Strong opinions will flow. It fascinates me that asking people what their favorite [whatever thing] does not elicit nearly the amount of passion as asking someone what the worst is. I should have been a psychology major.
When we asked our customers to give a couple optional words to explain their choice for the worst… Whoa, did the floodgates open. It’s like they have been waiting for an outlet for their bad candy juju to flow. Letting them get it out actually felt like a positive exercise (exorcise?). If you guys are reading this, I hope you felt a great weight lifted. And thank you for your replies.
And that is how we came to rank the worst Christmas candy. While doing a larger survey, we tacked this on as a final – again, optional – question, hoping to get something out of it. Over 13,000 customers responded.
There were a range of different candies mentioned. Since we had enough data, we narrowed it down into the top ten WORST Christmas candies.
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are the author’s only and in no way reflect the opinions of CandyStore.com.
Ladies and gentlemen, the worst Christmas candy ever:
#10 Old-Fashioned Hard Candy Mix
I guess can see why they made the list, but they sort of don’t even exist in a world of food to me. It’s like a bowl of marbles that have been around since your grandmother’s parents played with them in the 1920s. They look like they used to be pretty, but are kind of faded and sad and nobody really regards them much anymore. It never really occurred to me to actually pick one up and try it.
#9 Ribbon Candy
About the only thing ribbon candy has going for it is its looks. And while that can be the foundation for a very good life as a human, as a candy – well – we need more. Given the fact that it’s basically for decorative purposes only, in my mind anyway, I was surprised this wasn’t higher on the list. It’s supposed to be candy but if you actually eat it, it is horrid beyond. It’s the candy equivalent of: “but he’s got a really great personality.”
#8 Candy Canes (not Peppermint)
In our era of capitalism, it of course make sense that anything popular will be replicated and iterated upon to infinity. The candy cane phenomenon is no exception. The results, however, are vile. The rainbow fruit candy canes could almost pass for simply bad. But even those saw a lot of mentions in people’s top 3 worst Christmas candies. Many people are probably not even aware of such franken-candy creations as gravy-flavored candy canes. That’s, gravy. Gravy. Run children! RUN!
#7 White Peppermint M&Ms
Like many candies on this list, if you’ve never tried it you might think it could be good. It’s not. The minty flavor is just off, and its artificial sweetness and texture make me want to vomit. It’s like the Las Vegas architecture of Christmas Candy. Everything looks and sounds good and merry, but it is actually all made of the cheapest artificial material possible and completely falls apart under any serious evaluation of taste. And it make me feel like I need a shower.
#6 Lifesavers Story Books
Haha. These are the biggest joke. It’s not even that LifeSavers are all that bad. They’re fine. It’s the packaging here. And it is an egregious violation. eGREgious. Do not try package a bunch of lame Life Savers in a booklet Christmas story book and pass that off as something I wanna read / receive in a stocking / consume on the most specialist of special mornings of the year.
#5 Chocolate-Covered Cherry Cordials
Sometimes a surprise in the middle is a good thing. This is not one of those times. Chocolate is good, yes. Cherries are good, of course. Why does this chocolate cherry cordial thing fail so miserably. As with many things in life, it’s all in the execution. And what in the name of all that is holy is that nasty watery sugar liquid seeping out from the inside. It’s just weird, and gooey in a way that totally creeps me out. In order to eat these without A) spilling nasty candy juice on yourself B) having to look at the inside of this vile creation and C) having anyone associate you with the nasty dripping chocolate thing you’re eating, you have to pop this whole thing in your mouth at once. Which I do not recommend.
#4 Peppermint Bark
This seem a little controversial. Peppermint bark was mentioned as one of the most popular candies in our recent state-by-state article. But it was also mentioned by a bunch of seriously passionate haters. I tend to agree. Also, the bark thing has been way overdone. Walk into Trader Joe’s and it’s everywhere. By the way, a Peppermint Bark smoothie is just a peppermint smoothie, ok. There’s no more bark if you puree it.
The biggest thing for me is that it should be this crispy, sharp crunchy candy like the broken up pieces of toffee, but it’s typically not. It’s got no crunch, only a limp kind of give and then soft separation. No snap …unless it’s cold. Which is cheating and not really realistic for serving to other people. “Hey we got Peppermint Bark ya’ll! Dig in! …to my freezer.” Plus white chocolate is the runt of the chocolate family. Dark sits slightly above milk, and both are looking way down at white.
As if we even need to address this one. Everyone knows Peeps = grody. The texture alone gives me the heeby geebies. Is anyone really under the delusion that these are actually marshmallows? It’s like swallowing rubbery styrofoam. Then there’s the fact that it’s basically just pure concentrated sugar with a coating of sugar on the outside. Look, we’re CandyStore.com and it’s still a bit much. Dial it down Peeps. Ya creepy little devil chicks.
So obviously the Holiday Peeps are horrendous. The worst is the peppermint bark flavored one that is dipped in what is called chocolate but is more like brown candle wax. They’ve got a cinnamon roll flavored one now as well as a Sugar Cookie flavored one…what? If you’re thinking about giving them a try, I’d instead run the other direction as fast as you cant until you’re out of breath. Then keep running.
#2 Reindeer Corn
Ok, I’ve been pretty negative on most of these. I gotta say though, I disagree on this one. I like Reindeer Corn. Maybe it’s because I’m from Michigan. But there is substance here, people. It’s tasty sugary goodness. It feels like Americana, and if you cant get behind America on this one, I don’t know what to tell you.
#1 Christmas Tree Nougat
Everything about these is all wrong. First off, it looks like a poker chip that you can only cash in for sadness. The consistency at first is slightly resistant to the bite down and then accelerating into soft and gooey acceptance and then instant regret. The stick-to-your-teeth factor is suborbital. So you end up moving your jaws in as many different directions as they’ll go to try and unstick the damn thing. Then the flavor hits. Oh man. That false minty flavor that gives you a little twinge in your brain and makes you aware again that your gag reflex is still working. Wretched is a word that comes to mind. Seriously the WORST.